Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Webb. James Webb.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Did my cat write this
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”