Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.