Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???