Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards