Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
how it started vs how it ended
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Wednesday
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways