Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman