Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit