Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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She puts the hot in psychotic
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.