Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing