Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Finally, a door that understands me
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Check your privilege
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.