Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
my fav colour is also hitler
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.