Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.