“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
kitchen magnet
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd