Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”