SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
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There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Traveler’s camo
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?