singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Probably my best painting.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Brilliant!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part