*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.