Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.