Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-