Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.