Single and childfree like Jesus
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*