Single and childfree like Jesus

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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.


Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.


Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.


So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.


Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey


[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?


You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore


Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news