@kimmalien

Single and childfree like Jesus

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@wilw

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@1Happytwit

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

@Swishergirl24

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

@RobbySlowik

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

@david8hughes

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

@glo_stevens

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

@SomePieceOfshit

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news