Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
this isn’t threatening at all
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.