“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
So we got a goldfish…
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Actually cracking up @ this
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?