single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.