Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
😬
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.