Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
He took my last fry, your honor
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
japanese corn
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.