*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Jokes on them. I took 10.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”