*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Human are so complicated
Matt Goss
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.