[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.