[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night