*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul