*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?