*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.