*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere