[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
LA today:
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.