“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

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imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”


Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”


My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”


BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you


Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.


Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.


“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”


Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die


Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you