@FrilentMusic

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

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@jonnysun

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

@Cheeseboy22

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

@3sunzzz

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

@chuuew

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

@IamJackBoot

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

@Michael1979

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

@radtoria

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

@papasuncle

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you