“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.