“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.