“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook