“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.