“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022