Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?