“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
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Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator