@vineyille

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

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@prawn_meat

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

@a_simpl_man

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

@jwoodham

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

@Trisarahjtops

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

@pro_worrier_

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

@MadHatterMommy

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

@miilkkk

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.