Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please