Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

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Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.


Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.


Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around


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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up


So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider


ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.


If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.