-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
You Might Also Like
LMAO.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.