‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.