“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.


Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.


Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”


Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.


*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold


Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced


I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do


*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.