The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Guy: I like when a girl has curves
Me, taking off my Spanx: behold
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac