“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
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Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia