Sir, you tapping your foot behind me at this self checkout must mean you want me to slow down and read the nutritional label on each individual item.
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The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.