“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.