[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Snapes on a plane.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.