@ilovepie84 Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
@RxitWounds [Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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@ilovepie84 
@longwall26 Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
@QwertyJones3 My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
@djdarrellripley When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
@sixfootcandy Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
@XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
@KevinHart4real Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
@kimlockhartga I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
@Fred_Delicious “ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
@RowdyBowden “Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War