Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
getting groceries
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.