@guybranum

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

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@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@BGH70

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

@st__arving

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@E_lok44

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

@trevso_electric

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.