@guybranum
@noog [white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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@noog 
@BGH70 Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
@ericonederful 90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
@st__arving [God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
@GensPlace Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
@E_lok44 Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
@batkaren Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
@trevso_electric My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
@Tommytoughstuff *Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
@david8hughes [leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.