Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

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[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*


Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.


[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”


Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..


Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.


Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.


My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.


*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”


[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.