Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.


The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”


The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!


“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!


ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day


I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.


I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.