SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
You Might Also Like
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!